


Alone, Alone, Alone

by skjlbutlersft



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drabble, Drabble Collection, Gen, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original Universe, Other, POV Original Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 08:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16950801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skjlbutlersft/pseuds/skjlbutlersft
Summary: original drabble that i had to pump out. felt like writing.





	Alone, Alone, Alone

It never started out this way. It never does. She was just like any other girl a few years ago, happy to indulge in whatever life was going to throw at her because she would be surrounded by friends, and they would get her through it as she would do for them. That was how being friends worked, right? You helped each other to grow, to rant, to be there for them. You would become each others’ support systems and the world was going to become your bitch. They was your shield against the evils of the world, and there was nothing you couldn’t do.

-

They were friends. Good friends who got along nicely with the other, and there was always chemistry between them. Anyone miles away could tell that they had something going on. They’d met while in the library, as they shared the same table in a crowded space. She saw something that they owned, and asked about it. And the rest was history. They were deeply rooted in each other’s lives, and you’d never find one without the other trailing not too far behind. They had a bond that no one else around them quite got, and that’s what made it special. It was the closest that she'd allowed anyone near, and it was the most exhilarating whenever she saw them. They meant that she didn’t need to pretend to be someone else, that it was okay to just be her lame self. There was so much comfort and warmth, you could never get enough of it. She would even go as far as to say she truly loved them.

And that was that. 

Gone.

Beyond repair.

Thrown aside like garbage, disregarded without a second thought... Replaceable. That’s what she was. And that was the worst feeling she had ever come to know. Turning to the few solaces she had left, she drowned herself in the most potent alcohol she could find. She didn’t want to feel anymore, not after what had been done. She couldn’t feel, and she didn’t want to. There is no possible way to full comprehend or express whatever had gone down, but know that there was never a way back after staring into the abyss. Her heart was ripped out, and nothing ever fully replaced it. There was just a gaping hole where love used to be.

There’s something no one tells you about not having friends. You become very self-reliant, you don’t trust anyone but yourself, and self-preservation is all you care about. You can’t help but close yourself off from the world, afraid to trust, but also determined that you don’t need anyone to help you. You never really get better from a betrayal of this level of intimacy. It never gets better, and nothing ever changes. You only go through each day, hoping it would end as quickly as it came. You never rely on anyone ever again, not even in the slightest. You take everything into your own hands, and you refuse to wait for anyone to help you with anything. You know that if you do that, you’d be waiting for an eternity, so you never wait. 

You always run. You always run to hide, to keep yourself away from the world because every moment you spend out there, is one more moment that betrayal could happen again. So you don’t let that happen to yourself, and you become a non-entity. Everyone else pretends you don’t exist, and they don’t see you as a person anymore. It’s like walking around as if you were invisible, except people are scared of you. They don’t want to see you, they avoid you like you’re the plague. You don’t have to be worried about seeing them, your so-called friends will run from you because they’re afraid.

And just like that, your presence is erased. It’s like you were never there, and nothing ever changed. There was no meaning to pretending that you were special. The only reason anyone ever did anything was so that they wouldn’t be lonely. She was afraid of being lonely, to be the only one in the world who ever cared about her. But that’s what it had become. And she had no choice but to continue living, out of spite, out of self-preservation, who knows. 

It didn’t help that it was the only thing she saw around her whenever she went out. Just constant reminders of what used to be, and what will never ever be again. She scrutinizes everyone who comes across her now, and watches every single move and action they decide to do in case she would be hurt again. No one would ever be let in ever again, not that closely anymore. She couldn’t risk doing that, especially not to herself. There is now always a distance between herself and anybody else, a good... comfortable distance. 

It hurt. It really did, to have to do that to yourself everyday. It wasn’t easy, and sometimes she would cry. Sometimes it would prove to be too much, and she had to let it out. In the dark, crying herself to sleep as she numbed the pain with alcohol. That was what comfort looked like to her now. 

You get used to a different status quo, and it eventually becomes reality. You get used to the idea that everyone’s out to get you, and you never let anyone use you again. The only person who matters is yourself, that you come out unscathed from anything that might happen. Your sense of self becomes so strongly cemented that you can’t shake it off. 

Everyone else’s friendships suddenly look a lot more fragile than you’d thought, and you can’t help but curse that theirs ends just like yours did, so that the world would know what you went through. You glare and you judge harshly, unforgiving of anyone else’s ideas that you might be wrong, and all you had to do was “give them a chance”. Bull fucking shit.

What ticks her off is when everyone assume that they know what you’re talking to, that they know the same level of betrayal that you did just because someone unfriends them on Facebook. No. They didn’t have years of friendship just disregarded in an instant because of what someone else assumed, without even a chance of reconciliation or forgiveness. She couldn’t come to terms with the chance that anyone might understand what she went through, she couldn’t offer herself that glimmer of hope. Not ever again.

That might be one of the reasons why she holds this grudge so strongly. That they wouldn’t even consider forgiveness, because this so-called crime seemed so heinous. There was no second chance offered, no chance of redemption. Feels like that friendship was just for naught. Frankly, she didn’t even think this was that big a deal. But evidently enough, apparently it is.

You don’t see people anymore, instead you see pawns. People you have to befriend to make your life or your job easier, and every minute you spend with them is merely mercenary. You never really put meaning or heart behind anything else you do from this point, because frankly, no one cares.  
They just want you do to whatever it is they want, with a complete disregard for what you want. We just use each other, for comfort, or for material needs, that’s all it is. No one really, truly cares for one another without having considered what would happen otherwise. 

And the world just keeps spinning.

**Author's Note:**

> i dedicate this to anyone who's ever lost a friend(s).
> 
> first published on my roleplay account on facebook.


End file.
